Let me clear my mind

I have been up in Breckenridge since Thursday night. I went on a major spurt of work right before leaving. Between all of my classes, work, and the fraternity I was busy from dawn til dusk from Tuesday until I left on Thursday night. I also managed to send off all of my resumes to about 15 NFL teams. Now I am in a spot where I have very little school work for the rest of the year. Since Thursday however it has been a diferent story. I have been skiing all day and relaxing all night for four days now and I still have six days left.

I wonder what I can do to make more out of my time. With my personal mission statement in mind I want to use this sort of free time somewhat more productively and contribute to my personal growth. One way that I am growing is in skiing. I have been getting better this week and by the end of the week I want to land my first 540 (one and a half spins). Another thing I like about skiing is getting better at meeting people. I think the skills you practice there can help you in a lot of ways. In business situations being good at small talk can leave a good impression with people you only have a moment to talk to. I also think being comfortable meeting new people can help with meeting girls. One of my best qualities is that I can be myself around new people and not shy away.

I have found the first major problem with keeping a journal public like I have in this case. I am unable to reflect on something that was said to me in private with the understanding that it was not public information. While I have tried to maintain an open policy with my friends and family most people are not comfortable with the truth. My thoughts and feelings are out there, but I can not do that to someone else who has put their trust in me. While it has intrigued me I feel I have thought enough about it to know where I stand and how my actions should be affected by it.

Today I finally took another step in my job search and hopefully will be sending out my resume, cover letter, and recommendations tomorrow or Thursday. I printed my cover letter on CU stationary. I decided it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission and I kind of just did it. I am not really misrepresenting myself but I wonder if Mark or Tuck would care. It may have been selfish but it was important enough to me to take a risk. Now all I need is a job.

What a wild weekend. Saturday morning I woke up incredibly early in order to help the football team with Junior day. Everything in the morning went incredibly well and I was being helpful and productive. At 11:00 I left to go to the Republic to get my head shaved for St. Baldricks. This took incredibly longer than I had hoped. I was thinking it would take an hour but instead it took three. I guess it was really successful. I raised 200 dollars and my team raised almost $3,000. After that I went back to work and I was incredibly unhelpful and worthless. I don’t think my bosses noticed but I just wish I was more familiar with the program and the facility so I could make a bigger difference. I got treated to dinner by one of my bosses Robert Tucker (Tuck). It was myself and three other guys and a girl from our office. During dinner I brought up things that didn’t go so well and how they maybe could go better. When Melissa went to the bathroom Tuck told me that I shouldn’t talk about it and should just be positive. It is an interesting thing to consider. The CU team has such a policy of only positive thinking and talking that I wonder if it gets in the way of improvement. It is great to have a positive attitude but I think neglecting the things that did not go so well does not lend itself to improvement. As long as it’s not negativity for it’s own sake, constructive criticism is part of success.

I have done some more work lately on my job search. My progress with Lockheed Martin is out of my hands, I am waiting for contact either from Jamie or one of his bosses. I am on the last draft of my cover letter for the football teams. I sent it to my mom and Tom Flores to ask for revisions. My resume is complete. All I need to do is finish the cover letter and send it to all of the teams. I also just received Mike Reinfeldt’s phone number and I will be contacting him either this weekend or Monday. Today was also the Pro day at CU where all of the NFL scouts came to Boulder to check out our potential draftees. It will be interesting to see how I think the players performed and how that affects their draft status and maybe even their NFL success. It was also interesting because I got to see people performing my (hopefully) future profession up close. I wish I had more nerves to talk to them when I had the chance but they all seemed very busy. Maybe if I had been with the team longer I would have felt more comfortable. Of the 38 items on my list of things to do, I have kept up with the five that I am to do daily. I have completed 10 of them and have made progress on a few others. I’d say I am making good progress.

Well I have conducted my research and have reached some conclusions on a course of action. I think two major factors can contribute to me being more comfortable with the Lance-Kim situation. One is time, since I have no control over it I can consider it but it really won’t affect my decision making. The other is meeting other people and moving on in a way. Based on these results I will avoid situations where the two of them are together if seeing them makes it not worthwhile, or at least not as good as an otherwise second best option. Also, creating situations where I can meet other girls will probably help me and my relationship with Lance and Kim so I will try to increase those opportunities.

Today I read a couple of articles my mom sent me written by Tal Ben-Shahar. A cool thing about letting people into my deepest inner thoughts is that they can provide insight and I can learn from multiple perspectives. The two articles were “Active Acceptance” and “Permission to Feel”. Both were about dealing with emotions, especially emotions that are shameful or upsetting. Both articles concluded that having these feelings are normal and healthy. Suppressing them will only make things worse and that you should be open with people that are causing your emotions even if they are shameful. The main thing that I took out of it was to be more accepting of my humanness. I believe I have been open and honest but my humanness in this situation upset me. I have grown more comfortable with the fact that I can be reactive and not responsive. One of my favorite quotes was in the active acceptance article.

"(Ask for) the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can change, and for the wisdom to know the difference."

Anyone who yells at the traffic in front of them should take this quote to heart. But so should anyone who sees a problem they can fix and complains but shows no resolve. This is as good of a quote as any to live your life by.

It’s been real busy with working to try and get a job. Things have picked up at CU and I can tell that my supervisors really appreciate what I bring to the table. They respect my skill set. That could come in handy if I gave them as a reference or if things don’t work out elsewhere and I want to ask them to hire me.

Tomorrow is our pro day which means scouts will be in from every NFL team to watch our players play. I might get a chance to meet them and get some insight. At the very least I will get to see what they do, who they are, and how they act.

Saturday is also a big day. Not only is it St. Patty’s day it is also St. Balderick’s day and Junior day. I will wake up, go to Jr. day, get my head shaved, go back to Jr. day, than try to have a fun night partying. I better get some sleep Friday night. I also have spent the last hour putting together a list of teams and contacts I will be sending my information to. I am beginning to think it will be hard to get feedback from most of the teams but hopeful that I can get a hand from Cachaulo’s uncle Mike Reinfeldt.

Yesterday was my birthday and I think it would be good to reflect on it here. One of the things I really like about it is being the center of attention in a way. People treat you well and help make it special even in small ways. I got taken out to lunch. I got a couple of free beers at home. My friends took me out to the sink and paid for all of my drinks. But just hearing happy birthday from friends, classmates, and co-workers is just a nice thing. It is amazing how receptive people are to mood and gesturing. You can do yourself a tremendous favor by always being positive, personal, and actively nice. I will try to be extra sensitive to making people feel like I am truly glad to see them. I expect terrific returns.

Seeing that my personal mission statement is to maximize my happiness, I usually focus on more long term issues. I am in a stage in my life where I can work hard to set the tone for a lot of happiness to come. Lately however, as I have been speaking a lot of, my immediate happiness has been very affected by my relationship with Kim and my relationship with Lance and the relationship between them. Going out to celebrate my 22nd birthday it made sense to invite both of them because they are both good friends of mine. Being together with the two of them definitely affected me. I’d say it had a 20% affect. Not overwhelming but at least a nuisance.

I got to rethink my plan and figure this out a bit. The pain involved definitely affects my happiness. As I mentioned before, I want to be able to get over it and be unaffected by it. Currently, I can not see either one without thinking of the other and how it bothers me. This is bad because I want to be friends with both of them and my current feelings makes that really difficult. I think a very central question is: Can I get over it faster by exposing myself to it? Or conversely, Can I get over it faster by avoiding it? Avoiding it completely, would require sacrifices that I am not willing to make. But with making reasonable exceptions I can make a point to avoid potentially upsetting situations. Because this is such new territory for me, it is probably best to consult friends that have been through something similar. If I decide that the best way is to expose myself to it, than that will make decision making easier but maybe more painful for a while. If it just takes time, I would rather avoid them when I can but not miss things that would still be worthwhile. If I will extend this stage by being around them, I should avoid them even sometimes in situations that I still want to go to, in order to reach my goal of comfort.

I need to find an answer to this question. I need to focus on being positive and personal with people even those I only know casually. Along with the thought of leaving good impressions with people, I want to have a sit down with Jake and let him know that I appreciate his support, Kenny to let him know that I am proud of his commitment, and with Mike to let him know what I am going through and settle anything that might be left between us.

I want to go back to my thoughts on the end of my relationship with Kim. I have been through about a week since I hit the wall. I have been a lot better about it and have really recovered. I no longer experience the emotional rollercoaster I was on. It is weird how as Steve (Tao of) says “We pursue that which retreats from us”. For a couple months I didn’t need any attention and felt fine, because I knew I could get it. Once I learned that I could not get attention when I wanted it I missed it, coveting and jealousy. This weekend we are throwing a party at the house and I was interested in how that might play out. With myself, Kim, Lance, and other girls I might be interested in there I wasn’t sure what would happen. It turns out that Kim and Lance went on a road trip to K-State this weekend. I definitely had mixed thoughts about that. One, it could avoid two potentially awkward social situations. On the other hand, I don’t really like that she is moving so fast with a good friend of mine so close to when we broke up. Also, two of my friends will not be at the party this weekend which in most cases would be a negative thing.

I feel that the first two thoughts are unhealthy and a sign that I still am dealing with this issue. I’m glad I am it is effecting me now in a way that I can think about level-headedly and not as it did before. I don’t know when, if ever, I will be able to see Kim entirely as a friend and not anything else. I have to think, if I ran into her 20 years from now, and we were both married we could be friends and not anything else. So, somewhere between then and now there must be something that will change that. When that happens, I will learn a little more about the human experience and what it takes to be truly over a meaningful element of a relationship that is now gone. The second part clearly stems from jealousy, not jealousy of Lance but I think jealousy from her that she is doing something new and having fun and I am at this moment not. It’s the kind of thing that affects you when you are alone with your thoughts. When you are doing something fun, or flirting with other girls that kind of jealousy isn’t really there. It is important to remind myself that I am certain that when she is alone with her thoughts and I am doing something fun and new that she is jealous. She isn’t more moved on than I am, only maybe more occupied.

Today I extended a tradition of mine I’ve had pretty much since I have been a freshman in high school. It is kind of an unconscious tradition, but it has really helped me be successful in school and avoid the stress of it at the same time. This time I did it about a month and a half earlier than usual, maybe because this is the last time. I made the list. The list is everything that I need to do for the rest of the semester. I broke it down by category, school, job search, and personal. I try to get as detailed as possible. One trait that I seemed to get from my dad is the joy in cleaning. We show it in our own ways. My dad likes to meticulously clean everything around him all the time, I believe his nickname used to be the white tornado. I, underneath a mess of clothes, papers, and junk will clean my list. Even this journal is on the list. I have 38 items on the list and one by one I will clean the plate. By the end of the semester I will have finished all of my schoolwork, done all of the things I can do to secure a job with Lockheed Martin and with NFL teams, and I will have done a bunch of personal things.

To go back to the issue at hand yesterday, I have reached some conclusions. There is more to decisions that we deem significant than just our designation. While the consequences of all of our decisions never become fully apparent and certainly not before we make them, they are more significant because they are more likely to affect our lives. I refuse to believe that life is so random that decisions can not me made in an attempt to affect consequences. Also, I refuse to believe that life is so orderly that we can completely control the outcomes of our decision making. A fair view takes a little from both camps, the happy medium, how un-profound.

Tonight I did the first thing fun in a while. I have been trying to recover from my sickness and taking it easy. After working for six and a half hours and working on my senior design project I saw the movie 300. I really liked it, but a couple of other things came out of it to. It reminded me of why I had thought about becoming a movie editor. If it hadn’t been for such a terrible experience with my first internship I could very easily be on a different career path. The more experience I get the more I realize that life is like a movie called, Run Lola Run. In that movie, minor changes in a moment of someone’s life dramatically changes the outcome of your life. I could have had an internship with any number of editing firms in Chicago, the reason I got the one I did was because my parents had dinner at a friends house. At that house there was a guy named Peter also there. Peter had worked with PostEffects and gave me the contact information of the people who worked there. If the company he had worked for had worked with another firm my career path could be radically different. In a way the effects of our decisions can be so random and guideless. What is the meaning than of our decisions, how do the decisions we deem significant (i.e. college, marriage, jobs, location) compare in importance to decisions we find less meaningful (i.e. should I watch one TV show or the other). I guess I will mull this one over and write more about it tomorrow.

Being sick has really bummed me out the last two days. I have been on and off sick for the last two weeks but it has finally kept me in bed. This has proved to be very unfortunate timing because I have a lot of important meetings this week, I have only been working with CU for two weeks now, and I had to miss going out to the bars for one of my best friend’s (Craig) 21st birthday. For a while I was worried I had mono because I have been sick for so long but after doing a little WebMD research I decided that didn’t make a lot of sense. I now have three competing theories. One, I had a small cold and as that one was wearing off I caught a new one. Second, I am allergic to work. It has been a while since I worked as much as I am now for CU. Third, I am like Sampson, when I cut my hair shorter to get the CU job my strength was taken with it. Like I said they are just theories.

Being the kind of guy I am, I tired to make the most of my sickness by doing what I could. I spent the day reading a book in research for my econ final paper and watching movies I have been meaning to see. One movie I saw, I Heart Huckabees, was pretty cool. It is about seeing the world in a less superficial surface level way. Even though I don’t really buy into that reality mentality I liked hearing different thoughts on life’s deepest questions. I decided that I am going to try to spend more time bringing conversations with friends and family to a deeper level so I can learn more about them.

It is amazing the transformation I have gone through because of my relationship with Kim. But even with all that I learned about relationships from my first serious girlfriend, I have probably transformed the greatest since we broke up. Many of my closest friends were surprised that I could be in a relationship in the first place, I just didn’t experience emotions in the same way I felt everyone else did. To me, emotions have always been very mild and subdued by a more logical process in decision making. Over the last week this has changed dramatically. My ex-girlfriend Kim has started hanging out with a close friend of mine, Lance, quite regularly. This really didn’t come to my attention until a few nights ago when Lance asked me what I thought of it. Being the kind of guy I had been for the last twenty years, I really didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really think it would affect me. After all, I had managed reasonable well after we split up about two months ago.

Since then, my mood swings have been, at least relatively, violent. From one minute, where I think it’s no big deal and it might be good for all three of us to the next where I am very mad. I think that I can not see Kim at all anymore, that I shouldn’t go to some event because she will be there. That I won’t call her and when she calls me I won’t answer.

This is so incredibly frustrating to me. For one, it sucks to be mad in that sort of way. Maybe more importantly, I have always viewed my rational outlook and reasonable approach as a positive trait. Dealing with a constantly changing viewpoint on something based on emotions is just not in my usual character. I just wish I can get more clarity. I guess that is where this exercise has come in. Friday night, Kim and Lance went on a date and I went out to the bars to celebrate my friend’s birthday. My mood and actions were certainly affected by the element of rage I was experiencing. I wanted to do things that I would have viewed the next day as a mistake and I am glad that I was not able to do the things I wanted to. Others would probably view my actions and emotions as very mild but for me they are relatively intense.

I PAUSE HERE FOR MY 2 HOUR CONVERSATION WITH KIM ABOUT THIS THAT INTERUPTED THIS WRITING SESSION

Since than, I have been very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Every time something about the two of them has come up it has upset me. I have decided to take an aggressive approach to try and fix this ASAP. They say that it takes time but I will work hard to really figure it out sooner rather than later. I kind of feel that by expressing my feelings, here, to her, and to him and exploring my thoughts I can reach a satisfying conclusion. I think a lot of my trouble stems from me not knowing what I want, that is what I intend to figure out.

I don’t think it is the fact that she is dating, or even that she is dating Lance. I think the end of our relationship has finally sunk in. As long as she was not with someone else she was still mine. She thought about me when she was with other people and now she is thinking of someone else when she is with me. It doesn’t hurt that she thinks about someone else, it just hurts that it is not me.

Even though it does not feel good to think about them, it just simply isn’t fair to be against it. I’m not exactly just hanging out with the guys and pining for her. But more importantly, we dated for two years and I know that she and I are not compatible enough to get married. I want her to be able to try again, obviously Lance and her don’t have what we had or have, but I potentially see them as being more compatible than Kim and I could be. Despite my recent becoming a female I still find it hard to believe I will find a girl that thinks enough like I do to be compatible with me. Also, how am I going to find out if I am in a relationship with someone where that possibility seems small.

I already feel a ton better just writing about it. I do remain worried that I feel good and balanced now but this will be short lived and if I see them together I’ll punch someone in the face. I don’t think I would do that, but I didn’t think a lot of things that seem to be very different. What I want first and foremost is to be able to go back to being me, but also to be ok with them being together. I don’t want to be in a spot where I am paranoid or spying. I don’t want to be in a spot where I am jealous. I don’t want to be in a spot where I have to avoid them to stay satisfied. But also, this won’t work by just tricking myself. It has to be real and not superficial.

Up until now this has proved to be a valuable lesson in the human experience. Sometimes I think it is good to do things just to gain a better understanding of them. It is important though to be able separate experience from reality because one is an awfully small sample size. I have gained a respect for losing emotional control of your thoughts. I still think it is a weakness and that is why I am trying to figure it out, but at least I understand it more now. Through this process I learned what it’s like to have a real girlfriend. I learned what it’s like to have a real serious girlfriend and think about spending the rest of your life with someone. I also now have learned what it’s like to be so affected by something emotionally that you can’t even think straight. I guess I understand about 95% more songs through all of this.

I hope I can stay in this mode of clarity about what I want and can keep my mind focused on that track. I also hope that what I want is attainable, and considering that it is internal, I believe in myself. We will see how this will affect me as time goes on, I imagine it will be in my thoughts and my writing.

I was supposed to enter into my journal regularly, as you can probably tell, I failed to do so. So I cheated. I do have some moral reservations about this but I decided against telling my teacher the truth and just playing catch up. I wrote 3 weeks of journal entries in one night to make up for it. It made me feel good to write a little and get some stuff off my chest. I will post the highlights below

What a great weekend. It was a great opportunity to share good times with friends, especially because my time with these friends is limited. It was essentially a 48 hour party capped with 11 hours of driving on either end. My favorite thing to do on the weekend was to ask people what I should see on my tour of Lubbock, TX. The answer, there is nothing to see in Lubbock. It really helped enforce one of the two greatest decisions in my life, attending CU. The other was joining Theta Xi. As a soon to be graduating senior, I can really appreciate all that I have gained from my fraternity. The areas of focus in my mission statement are good times, family, friends, career, and personal growth.

Good times is an easy one, between all of the awesome activities and parties I have lived an entire standard college experience of good times every year. When I mention the list of things that I did at the end of the year it literally matches that of a four year grad. Family doesn’t really apply. I mean I call them my brothers, but they aren’t really. They are just good friends. I am against using words for superficial reasons and for me brothers is a good example of it. They are not my brothers, and not really like my brother, my brother and I have a bond that is unique and can not be replicated by initiation into a fraternity. Friends is another easy one, not only has the numbers of friends gained remarkably by joining the fraternity but also the number of quality friends. Friends that I wouldn’t have to think twice about calling at three o clock in the morning if I needed him. Friends that wouldn’t think twice about getting up in the middle of the night to help. How many people can truly say that they have twenty 3 AM friends. I feel lucky to know these fine people and to have them as friends. Career has really yet to apply, but my contacts with the CU football team and the NFL all come from the frat and if they do come through it will make a substantial impact on my career and personal mission. Personal growth is a big one and I think I will save it for tomorrow.

I reserved today’s entry to talk about the personal growth I have experienced as a result in being part of the fraternity. I think it is obvious to assume I would have experienced personal growth with or without the fraternity, but I have grown in ways that I can specifically attribute to my role as a Theta Xi.

For one, I learned the value of respect. In high school I acted as a leader in many social situations. Part of it was due to my in school personality. The kids at my school saw how easily scholastic success came to me and understood that I was smart. By the time I had graduated I was, as most people probably are, tired of my role. I was tired of being burdened with informal leadership and looked forward to a proactive approach. When I arrived at CU, I was always joking around. I was saw as unfit to be in charge of anything. While I knew that I was capable, intelligent and skilled I had failed to prove this to the guys in the fraternity. The lack of respect that I felt was very damaging as I grew as a member and as a leader. I have learned the importance of respect and how to act to accrue respect. By fulfilling promises, being polished, and being fair but firm I have gained the respect, not only of my fellow fraternity members, but also of my school project partners, my employers, my friends, and my family. As I begin to write this I realize what length of time it has taken me to express my personal growth. This may become a multi-part series.

The two other major personal growth contributions have been a greater diversity of my knowledge and my general leadership ability. A lot of people probably view frats as a place where 100 guys that think, act, and dress exactly alike get drunk and molest girls. This could not be further from the truth. The guys in my house have radically different opinions, hobbies, and interest. I have learned a great deal about topics that my friends and I from home know nothing about. From religions to guns, and sometimes religions about guns. Being surrounded, living with, eating with and socializing with over 100 guys during my four years at college has resulted in many meaningful and intellectual conversations. Instead of having two or three roommates to learn from, their background and knowledge, I have many.

I have grown immensely as a leader. Although I never became president or even vice-president I have served as a leader in many ways. As a leader to pass an amendment to our by-laws that I believe in or as house manager or as a leader of a particular activity. I learned how to deal with people. That experience has come in handy as the coach of a football team and more recently to get the house situation for next year settled, which it finally is. It will also certainly come in handy in the years to come as I become a family leader and a leader in the workforce. I think there is good reason why fraternity men make up a significantly out of proportion representation as leaders like U.S. Presidents and Fortune 500 CEO’s. The leadership experience that I have gained in college probably surpasses 95% of my colleagues.

Today I am going to speak of a situation that a friend faced and what I think of it. The presidents of all of the fraternities called for a suspension of all parties for two weeks. This comes about 3 days before our next party. This is especially disappointing because we have thrown parties with less frequency this year and had not had one for months. It is even more bothering because it was caused by reckless partying at other houses. While I understand the motives of the presidents to set an example by showing that unruly behavior will not be tolerated, the people that are affected are those that did nothing wrong. Probably no house that was offending the policies had a party planned within two weeks of the party they just threw. Only houses that had done nothing wrong were punished, houses like ours. My friend, the president of our house has compromising incentives in this situation. It is his duty to represent not only himself and his wants but those of all of the members of our house. Our president losses little by not having a party, only frustration. It has become common practice that the president does not drink and does not party with the other guests in the same fashion so he can be responsible and available if something bad happens. You can see now why he might not be so distraught at the loss of a party. However, he is our president so he can represent us as a whole. Did he fail to adequately address the position of his members. I was not at the meeting but I can imagine that the conflict in interest played a role in our party getting canceled. I think a reasonable argument could have been made to prevent the loss of our party. Either one of three things happened, one he failed to articulate a reasonable objection, the other presidents were unreasonable in response, or he did not represent his constituents and instead represented himself. I do not know which case is the truth but conflict of interest will always shade doubt on issues like this. Lesson learned: lead in a way that is as transparent as possible, so your motives and actions can be better understood by your followers.