Let me clear my mind

"I'm against all 'It's me's'. It's so self-absorbed and egotistical, like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes."

He's right they do have complicated shoes

Since arriving from Miami on Sunday I have had an enjoyable week. Monday night the fraternity had one of the shortest meetings we have had ina while which was mostly good because other people enjoyed it and that makes meetings more fun. I wouldn't care if they were 2 hours long if other people have a good time than it can be a lot of fun. Kim got super pissed at me for not coming over on Monday night. I always spend Monday and Wednesday nights at my place because of class on Tuesday and Thursday but she was in a bad mood so she expected me to come over and comfort her. I told her to come over. She said she didn't want to because she din't want to be seen upset by my friends. I said I didn't want to come over because of class. Because neither of us wanted to go over to the other one's house and she was upset that makes me wrong. That seemed pretty unfair so I stood my ground and she was pissed.

Tuesday was Valentines day, she was still pissed. It's not a holliday I can get into. If you are single it means that you can get a date and that's pretty cool. But when your dating someone it is supposed to be something special. To me if a relationship isn't worth it without doing "something special" than it probably won't be without doing something special. None the less. I bought Kim some flowers, her favorites which are daisies and some roses. Which is convenant because daisies are cheap, but they make me look like an ass to someone that doesn't know that they are her favorite. I brought them to her volleyball practice in a suit which was super classy because she probably felt cool in front of her freinds and she wasn't expecting it. Well maybe she was, but not in a suit. After that we went out to dinner at Bloom in Broomfield Mall.

Tuesday Wednesday Thursday were three straight days of tests and they went well. Probably like an 85-90 on my Nutrition test, a 100 on my Statistics test, and a B to A- on my Air Pollution Control test.

Thursday night we had intramural soccer and we dominated. I scored once and we were up 6-0 before we goofed off and ended 6-3. We pulled a classless move by scoring on ourselves on purpose when it was 6-0. We had to play a man down because we were dominating. And we thought that was stupid so we scored on ourselves. I think that is demoralizing to the other team. I'd much rather say I lost 6-0 than 6-1 because the other team was beating us so bad they scored on themselves. But what is done is done.

After that Kim and I had a pretty big fight. I'm not sure how it started but I told her something I've been trying to gather up the courage to tell her for a long time. That I did not believe that we would ever get married. The reasons for which are probably best to save for another article. It all started when a long time ago we were talking about Libby and Charlie. We were concerned because we knew that she wanted to marry him and that was a big problem for me. I confirmed with Charlie however that he was not going to marry her. I told Kim and we were realeved. But she said that he should tell her if he knew becuase if he led her on that was pretty dick. I can't remember if at the time I knew what I know now, but that stuck with me. While it is hard to tell someone that I love you but not that much, I thought that it was fair.

Friday Kim left for her Volleyball tourny in Arizona and I skied Breck. The skiing was ok at best, but Saturday night I partied and it was the first time I partied in at least a couple weeks. I had a lot of fun, and my beer pong game was on fire.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful except tonight (Sunday) I went out with the Zellens whose daughter is interested in going to Boulder. I thought I was going to answer a lot of questions and help her decide what school she wanted to go to, but it turned more into a lot of me talking to Richard about myself. I guess that is why it was a little boring, but also I think we failed to find a topic of interest. Richard is a really nice guy but I guess it just didn't click. One of the things I saw that was somewhat interesting is how Richard is kind of targeted by his family and they rip on him a lot. I think this experience will affect how I handle myself with my family someday to avoid any person in my family from being singled out. In my family now I think that my mom and I work together to help each other from being singled out by my dad.

I look forward to the week ahead and I will work to maximize my happiness.

My life goal is to maximize my own personal happiness. Ideally every decision I make for the rest of my life will make my life better. Not better but best of all possible options. It may be possible where I will have several choices that all make my life better, it is important in that scenario to pick the one that makes myself most happy. Or, a situation might arise where all options will make my life worse and the goal is to select the option that will make my life least worse.

It may seem selfish or short sighted to make all decisions with only your personal happiness in mind. As far as short sighted, I am considering a lifetime of happiness. It is worth it to do my homework for a class because although it may not be as enjoyable as playing football or videogames or whatever, it is essential to getting passing grades, a degree, and so on. A small temporary sacrafice in happiness will help improve my happiness significantly in the long run. But on that note, I believe like money an equal amount of happiness now or in the future is always better now. This is due to an unlikely untimely death scenario. Any happiness closer to the present I am more likely going to be able to enjoy.

Is this philosophy selfish. I would say yes, but only to a certain extent. It does mean that I will hold my interest in highest regard, which might be the very definition of selfish but I must believe that it is in my interest to have approval of those close to me. For a lonely life is certainly not a happy life. There are also instances where my interests will allign with the interests of society. I would say in most cases this is true. I would like to be wealthy, to be wealthy you must provide a service that people can improve their welfare by purchasing. I like coaching youth football, kids that play football need coaches. If I commit a crime, I will not only likely feel bad I risk being caught and punished. The idea of a well run capitaliist government is one that can effectively allign the interest of it's people with that of society (through peer pressure, laws, markets or otherwise)

With that in mind it is impossible to predict the future and understand all of the consequences of every possible decision. Every moment I choose almost certainly a non-optimal decision. I guess that is being human. I guess we are all unique because we make different mistakes.

That being said I think it is best that I don't forgot about one of my goals to talk more about people and events in my life.

This last weekend I went to Miami for the Bat Mitzvah of my second cousin Pauline. I was able to see a lot of family on my mom's side that I never see. My mom's mom had 4 sisters. After the war they moved all around the world, Paris, Israel, New York, Chicago. I visited mostly with the family of Sala my grandmothers sister. They are all naturually french speaking which is why conversations with more than one of them at a time were annoying. I had to participate only marginally in the conversation and could not understand. In the end it became mostly time for me to spend with my brother Charlie.

This is the first time I have been with Charlie since he broke up with his girl friend Libby. She was soooooo annoying. Honestly I could not imagine what Charlie liked about her. She was materialistic, stupid, immature, pushy, and pretty ugly. She was practically the opposite of what I look for in a girl, and what I expected charlie to be interested in. To say the least I was glad that the relationship did not come to fruition. Being on vacation with Charlie he seems to have changed somewhat. He must have been somewhat affected in this relationship. He embarrased me at times. I don't want to come off as to cool, but I can tell that he has hit his peak of coolness and is unfortunately now heading downhill. The moment that really capped this off is when he said, "Last time I saw you, you were this big." He just had too many don't be that guy moments.

This weekend was a particually bad one to miss at the frat house. While I am on the subject the general attitude of guys in my house rubs the the wrong way. We are a frat, which is short for fraterntity. We have pledges, they are pledging our house, that makes them pledges. We don't have to beat our pledges, and we don't need to rape women. But that doesn't change the fact that frat is short for fraternity, and pledge is short for someone who is pledging our house. The next time someone says, "You wouldn't call your country a cunt" I will punch in the face. I have given up trying to change the house to better suit my idea of the ideal fraternity. After my term is up as house manager in March. I plan to let it ride, and make the most out of my personal experience in the house without trying to affect it's direction. Anyway I missed the graffitti party which I have heard was pretty sweet. I guess in the end this graffitti party will have been no different than all of the others and I was instead able to talk to and see family of mine I might have few oportunities to see again. I also discovered a woman that I thought did not exists.

At the Bat Mitzvah I sat next to a Jewish girl attending th University Of Miami. What was so unique about her was that I both enjoyed her company (found her interesting and exciting) and also ofund her attractive. Never in my life, until this point have I met a Jewish girl that met both of these criteria. There was a catch however. I know what you might think, she was related, but no that was not it. She was Swiss, a swiss jew, weird. Here comes the new and improved rule like when scientists find a reason the current theory can't be true they fix it. I have yet to find an American Jew that I am capatible with physically and mentally.

There is a reason for this. American Jewish girls will always be treated like a princess at home by her mother and father. The pretty ones go out into the social world and are still trated like a princess. This is why pretty Jewish American girls have no sense of reality and I could never be mentally compatable with them. Something must be different in Switzerland. I am now more open to the possibility of marrying a Jew then ever before. The odds went from 1/100 to 1/20. Good news for dad.

That's it for now.

I know it seems like every journal starts with why I've started this journal, but in order to keep focus on the reason for the journal I will follow my goals (in order of importance).

1. Full disclosure
2. Let my thoughts ramble, even if they might be incoherent
3. Have a written record of my life
4. Write about events and people so I can remember them years from now
5. Write at least one article a week

There may be more but I will need to publish them in the future.