Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Uncharted territory - The Human Experience
It is amazing the transformation I have gone through because of my relationship with Kim. But even with all that I learned about relationships from my first serious girlfriend, I have probably transformed the greatest since we broke up. Many of my closest friends were surprised that I could be in a relationship in the first place, I just didn’t experience emotions in the same way I felt everyone else did. To me, emotions have always been very mild and subdued by a more logical process in decision making. Over the last week this has changed dramatically. My ex-girlfriend Kim has started hanging out with a close friend of mine, Lance, quite regularly. This really didn’t come to my attention until a few nights ago when Lance asked me what I thought of it. Being the kind of guy I had been for the last twenty years, I really didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really think it would affect me. After all, I had managed reasonable well after we split up about two months ago.
Since then, my mood swings have been, at least relatively, violent. From one minute, where I think it’s no big deal and it might be good for all three of us to the next where I am very mad. I think that I can not see Kim at all anymore, that I shouldn’t go to some event because she will be there. That I won’t call her and when she calls me I won’t answer.
This is so incredibly frustrating to me. For one, it sucks to be mad in that sort of way. Maybe more importantly, I have always viewed my rational outlook and reasonable approach as a positive trait. Dealing with a constantly changing viewpoint on something based on emotions is just not in my usual character. I just wish I can get more clarity. I guess that is where this exercise has come in. Friday night, Kim and Lance went on a date and I went out to the bars to celebrate my friend’s birthday. My mood and actions were certainly affected by the element of rage I was experiencing. I wanted to do things that I would have viewed the next day as a mistake and I am glad that I was not able to do the things I wanted to. Others would probably view my actions and emotions as very mild but for me they are relatively intense.
I PAUSE HERE FOR MY 2 HOUR CONVERSATION WITH KIM ABOUT THIS THAT INTERUPTED THIS WRITING SESSION
Since than, I have been very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Every time something about the two of them has come up it has upset me. I have decided to take an aggressive approach to try and fix this ASAP. They say that it takes time but I will work hard to really figure it out sooner rather than later. I kind of feel that by expressing my feelings, here, to her, and to him and exploring my thoughts I can reach a satisfying conclusion. I think a lot of my trouble stems from me not knowing what I want, that is what I intend to figure out.
I don’t think it is the fact that she is dating, or even that she is dating Lance. I think the end of our relationship has finally sunk in. As long as she was not with someone else she was still mine. She thought about me when she was with other people and now she is thinking of someone else when she is with me. It doesn’t hurt that she thinks about someone else, it just hurts that it is not me.
Even though it does not feel good to think about them, it just simply isn’t fair to be against it. I’m not exactly just hanging out with the guys and pining for her. But more importantly, we dated for two years and I know that she and I are not compatible enough to get married. I want her to be able to try again, obviously Lance and her don’t have what we had or have, but I potentially see them as being more compatible than Kim and I could be. Despite my recent becoming a female I still find it hard to believe I will find a girl that thinks enough like I do to be compatible with me. Also, how am I going to find out if I am in a relationship with someone where that possibility seems small.
I already feel a ton better just writing about it. I do remain worried that I feel good and balanced now but this will be short lived and if I see them together I’ll punch someone in the face. I don’t think I would do that, but I didn’t think a lot of things that seem to be very different. What I want first and foremost is to be able to go back to being me, but also to be ok with them being together. I don’t want to be in a spot where I am paranoid or spying. I don’t want to be in a spot where I am jealous. I don’t want to be in a spot where I have to avoid them to stay satisfied. But also, this won’t work by just tricking myself. It has to be real and not superficial.
Up until now this has proved to be a valuable lesson in the human experience. Sometimes I think it is good to do things just to gain a better understanding of them. It is important though to be able separate experience from reality because one is an awfully small sample size. I have gained a respect for losing emotional control of your thoughts. I still think it is a weakness and that is why I am trying to figure it out, but at least I understand it more now. Through this process I learned what it’s like to have a real girlfriend. I learned what it’s like to have a real serious girlfriend and think about spending the rest of your life with someone. I also now have learned what it’s like to be so affected by something emotionally that you can’t even think straight. I guess I understand about 95% more songs through all of this.
I hope I can stay in this mode of clarity about what I want and can keep my mind focused on that track. I also hope that what I want is attainable, and considering that it is internal, I believe in myself. We will see how this will affect me as time goes on, I imagine it will be in my thoughts and my writing.
Since then, my mood swings have been, at least relatively, violent. From one minute, where I think it’s no big deal and it might be good for all three of us to the next where I am very mad. I think that I can not see Kim at all anymore, that I shouldn’t go to some event because she will be there. That I won’t call her and when she calls me I won’t answer.
This is so incredibly frustrating to me. For one, it sucks to be mad in that sort of way. Maybe more importantly, I have always viewed my rational outlook and reasonable approach as a positive trait. Dealing with a constantly changing viewpoint on something based on emotions is just not in my usual character. I just wish I can get more clarity. I guess that is where this exercise has come in. Friday night, Kim and Lance went on a date and I went out to the bars to celebrate my friend’s birthday. My mood and actions were certainly affected by the element of rage I was experiencing. I wanted to do things that I would have viewed the next day as a mistake and I am glad that I was not able to do the things I wanted to. Others would probably view my actions and emotions as very mild but for me they are relatively intense.
I PAUSE HERE FOR MY 2 HOUR CONVERSATION WITH KIM ABOUT THIS THAT INTERUPTED THIS WRITING SESSION
Since than, I have been very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Every time something about the two of them has come up it has upset me. I have decided to take an aggressive approach to try and fix this ASAP. They say that it takes time but I will work hard to really figure it out sooner rather than later. I kind of feel that by expressing my feelings, here, to her, and to him and exploring my thoughts I can reach a satisfying conclusion. I think a lot of my trouble stems from me not knowing what I want, that is what I intend to figure out.
I don’t think it is the fact that she is dating, or even that she is dating Lance. I think the end of our relationship has finally sunk in. As long as she was not with someone else she was still mine. She thought about me when she was with other people and now she is thinking of someone else when she is with me. It doesn’t hurt that she thinks about someone else, it just hurts that it is not me.
Even though it does not feel good to think about them, it just simply isn’t fair to be against it. I’m not exactly just hanging out with the guys and pining for her. But more importantly, we dated for two years and I know that she and I are not compatible enough to get married. I want her to be able to try again, obviously Lance and her don’t have what we had or have, but I potentially see them as being more compatible than Kim and I could be. Despite my recent becoming a female I still find it hard to believe I will find a girl that thinks enough like I do to be compatible with me. Also, how am I going to find out if I am in a relationship with someone where that possibility seems small.
I already feel a ton better just writing about it. I do remain worried that I feel good and balanced now but this will be short lived and if I see them together I’ll punch someone in the face. I don’t think I would do that, but I didn’t think a lot of things that seem to be very different. What I want first and foremost is to be able to go back to being me, but also to be ok with them being together. I don’t want to be in a spot where I am paranoid or spying. I don’t want to be in a spot where I am jealous. I don’t want to be in a spot where I have to avoid them to stay satisfied. But also, this won’t work by just tricking myself. It has to be real and not superficial.
Up until now this has proved to be a valuable lesson in the human experience. Sometimes I think it is good to do things just to gain a better understanding of them. It is important though to be able separate experience from reality because one is an awfully small sample size. I have gained a respect for losing emotional control of your thoughts. I still think it is a weakness and that is why I am trying to figure it out, but at least I understand it more now. Through this process I learned what it’s like to have a real girlfriend. I learned what it’s like to have a real serious girlfriend and think about spending the rest of your life with someone. I also now have learned what it’s like to be so affected by something emotionally that you can’t even think straight. I guess I understand about 95% more songs through all of this.
I hope I can stay in this mode of clarity about what I want and can keep my mind focused on that track. I also hope that what I want is attainable, and considering that it is internal, I believe in myself. We will see how this will affect me as time goes on, I imagine it will be in my thoughts and my writing.
