Friday, March 09, 2007
Back to being me, for now
I want to go back to my thoughts on the end of my relationship with Kim. I have been through about a week since I hit the wall. I have been a lot better about it and have really recovered. I no longer experience the emotional rollercoaster I was on. It is weird how as Steve (Tao of) says “We pursue that which retreats from us”. For a couple months I didn’t need any attention and felt fine, because I knew I could get it. Once I learned that I could not get attention when I wanted it I missed it, coveting and jealousy. This weekend we are throwing a party at the house and I was interested in how that might play out. With myself, Kim, Lance, and other girls I might be interested in there I wasn’t sure what would happen. It turns out that Kim and Lance went on a road trip to K-State this weekend. I definitely had mixed thoughts about that. One, it could avoid two potentially awkward social situations. On the other hand, I don’t really like that she is moving so fast with a good friend of mine so close to when we broke up. Also, two of my friends will not be at the party this weekend which in most cases would be a negative thing.
I feel that the first two thoughts are unhealthy and a sign that I still am dealing with this issue. I’m glad I am it is effecting me now in a way that I can think about level-headedly and not as it did before. I don’t know when, if ever, I will be able to see Kim entirely as a friend and not anything else. I have to think, if I ran into her 20 years from now, and we were both married we could be friends and not anything else. So, somewhere between then and now there must be something that will change that. When that happens, I will learn a little more about the human experience and what it takes to be truly over a meaningful element of a relationship that is now gone. The second part clearly stems from jealousy, not jealousy of Lance but I think jealousy from her that she is doing something new and having fun and I am at this moment not. It’s the kind of thing that affects you when you are alone with your thoughts. When you are doing something fun, or flirting with other girls that kind of jealousy isn’t really there. It is important to remind myself that I am certain that when she is alone with her thoughts and I am doing something fun and new that she is jealous. She isn’t more moved on than I am, only maybe more occupied.
I feel that the first two thoughts are unhealthy and a sign that I still am dealing with this issue. I’m glad I am it is effecting me now in a way that I can think about level-headedly and not as it did before. I don’t know when, if ever, I will be able to see Kim entirely as a friend and not anything else. I have to think, if I ran into her 20 years from now, and we were both married we could be friends and not anything else. So, somewhere between then and now there must be something that will change that. When that happens, I will learn a little more about the human experience and what it takes to be truly over a meaningful element of a relationship that is now gone. The second part clearly stems from jealousy, not jealousy of Lance but I think jealousy from her that she is doing something new and having fun and I am at this moment not. It’s the kind of thing that affects you when you are alone with your thoughts. When you are doing something fun, or flirting with other girls that kind of jealousy isn’t really there. It is important to remind myself that I am certain that when she is alone with her thoughts and I am doing something fun and new that she is jealous. She isn’t more moved on than I am, only maybe more occupied.
